Best Friend For Christmas

I am super excited to announce the release of, Best Friend For Christmas. It is the first book to the series of tales of Promise and Snow-po.

Best-Friend-for-Christmas-CoverTo purchase or preview a copy at Amazon click here.


Survival skills for Company Christmas Party or Military Ball

I am the first to admit I am less than perfect. The secret is out. (Shhhhh! Do not say anything to publishers about this or I’ll have to get wordy on your a##). I decided to write the survival skills list not because I am some super fit amazing television star, but because I just, wanted to. Here it goes. I will provide a setting. You have exercised like crazy for the past thirty days just so you could look smoking hot in that ball gown or tuxedo you bought.

Drumroll please! Morning of the party you are waking up early to fit in that last session of cardio.  Then you go to work or perform you regular day’s duties. Oh, this your special day that only happens once a year. Yes! You have a big night tonight. You get to show off your sizzling abs. You will dine on a fancy dinner. You will sip wine. You will dance on a small dance floor in the center of the room. Then later after the party, you might get lucky, but that is if everything goes as planned. You work in a hair appointment, have your nails done, squish into shapeware (the more it hurts the better), pull on pantyhose, make magic with makeup, puff the perfume, and glide into that gown or suit. Look at you! You are one solar hot babe! Yeah, you read me!

Now, smile gorgeous! You and your date, lover or spouse arrives at the party. This is where the list of survival rules comes into play. Do not be shy. Write them down, print it, read it and last MEMORIZE it!

  1. Do not go on an empty stomach
  2. Do not eat beans, broccoli, garlic or anything that makes you sit on the potty for more than one minute the day of the party or day before. This is a party not a party in your pants!
  3. Eat before you put on all the shapewear and pantyhose.  This is a party not a buffet!
  4. If your dress or suit is tighter than your shapewear then you need to rewind and find a new outfit. This is a party, not showgirls or showboys! (That’s for later when you get home)
  5. Brush your teeth. No one wants to meet a dirty mouth, yuck!
  6. Smile as if you are in kindergarten school picture and do not stop, never! (Nice that you brushed your teeth 🙂 )
  7. Follow your date to your assigned seating. If you are single, do not change the seating arrangements so you are next to the married man who is having an affair with you. Rude!
  8. Do not drink before the party. Save your money. There will be free wine at the table. Alcohol is for SIPPING! You are not a pirate on a ship! A glass or two should do any more than that calls for major consequences (maybe good or maybe bad).
  9. If you are married, sit with your spouse the entire time. If you do not like your spouse, it is likely others do not like them either, so stop sharing!
  10. After the formal part of the party, it is time for dancing. This is not Footloose, Dirty Dancing, Dance Flick or Dance Off so do not act as if you were a reject from the auditions. Get your groove on with a little shake and little shuffle.
  11. After the party, when you are in the hotel or house do not go straight to the bathroom with a newspaper or cellphone (Remember rule #2), give your other half a hug and kiss on the lips. Tell them how proud you are of them. Tell them you love them. Let things happen. Do not rush to jam your long tongue down the other’s throat! This is a night for memories not miseries!

Fay’s Stars

Fay sat at the kitchen table. She was staring down at a sheet of white paper. Max walked into the room.

“Whatcha doing?”


Max looked over Fay shoulder to see the paper. Confused he responded, “No you’re not”

“Yes, I am”

“Let me read.”

“But there aren’t any words on your paper.”


“Don’t you think you at least need words to read?”

“Nooo! Leave me alone so I can read.”

“I’m not leaving tell you tell me what you are really doing. I think you’re planning something.”

“Ok smarty pants, you could say that.”

“Well then tell me what you’re planning.”

“I can’t”


“Because I’m reading”

“Stop treating me like I’m the stupid one.  You’re the one sitting here staring at a bunch of squiggles in crayon on paper.”

“Max! I’m planning my future, so let me read.”

“But there are no words to read!”

“I know that!  I’m reading my stars!”

“That’s stupid! You can’t read stars.”

“I am. Haven’t you heard of an astrologer?”

“Fay an astrologer doesn’t read those kinds of stars. They read planetary stars.”

“Sooo, I can draw plants too.”

Fay’s smartphone

“Whatcha doing?”


“Why don’t ya answer your phone?”

“I don’t want to.”


“It’s stupid.”

“Answering the phone is not stupid. What if someone important is trying to call you?”

“Nooo, my phone’s stupid!”

“What do mean? Your phone can’t be stupid.”

“Yes, it is…You know they have smartphones, but I got a stupid one.”

“Phones are not stupid; the people using the phones are the stupid ones.”

“I’m not stupid! My phone is stupid!”

“Ok, ok, if you say so. What are you going to do?”

“I thought I’d teach it.”


“Yeah, they teach stupid people stuff all the time.”

“You can’t teach a phone.”


“Because, phones can only perform the applications and software compatible to its processor and hardware.”

“Ooohhh, I get it, so I don’t have to teach it, but just get new hardware. Right?”

“Yeah, you just need an updated phone.”

Fay started walking towards the garage.  “Max, are you coming?”


“To the garage to get some hardware; hammer, drill and stuff. I’m going to use all this hardware on my cell phone to make it a smartphone.”

“Nooo, that’s not what I meant.”

“Ooohhh, I forgot you said something about a food processor too. Right?”

Max took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Fay, “Here, you can just have my smartphone.  I was planning on getting a new one anyways.”

“Thanks Max! I was beginning to wonder how I was going to add all these electronics to mom’s food processor. I was starting to think maybe you were a little stupid, but that’s ok. You’ll always be my best friend.”

“Thanks Fay”

Allergic to Peanus

“Whatcha doing?”

Fay  shakes her head no, but says nothing.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I cun’d ulk”


“Peanus, I’m allergi du peanus.”  A small amount of drool slides down the corner of her mouth.

“Wooo, TMI!” Then he points to the drool that has escaped her mouth.

“Nooo, I cun’d pronunciae cuz my tun has bisers. You’re sooo ruuue! It maes me drool.”  Fay uses her sleeve to wipe the drool off.


She opens her mouth to show the blisters on her tongue to Max.

“Oooh, I get it. You’re not acting stupid.  You just can’t talk because you have blisters. Ok. Why did you get the blisters?”


Max looks at her with a very confused face. “Stop saying that word.  That’s bad!”

“Nooo, peanus nu penis!”

Frustrated, she gets up and walks to the freezer.  She pulls out the Jamoca Fudge ice cream Max had brought over.  Scooping out a spoon full she looks closely. “Heeereee” She shows the small morsels left.


“Yeees, I’m allergi du peanus.”

“Then why’d you eat the ice cream?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “Cuz I liked id a waat.”

Limb pick up

“Whatcha doing?”


“Where ya going?”


“Why ya wearing that?”


“The doctor scrubs with rain boots”

“Because I don’t want to ruin my clothes.”

“What’s in your pocket?”

“Rubber gloves”

“Why do ya have rubber gloves?”

“I don’t like to get my hands dirty.”

“Ok, what exactly are ya gonna be doing in Radcliff?”

“I’m picking up limbs. I need to have the gloves so I don’t get blood on my hands.”

“What kind of limbs are ya gonna pick up?”

“You know arms and legs.”

“Noooo, your not gonna pick up those kind of limbs. It’s supposed to be tree limbs.”

“If that’s that the case, I’ll just stay home.”

“So why were you willing to go pick up arms and legs but not tree limbs?”

“Because I might have met a zombie.”

Halloween rules

“Whatcha doing?”

“Making a sign”

“What kind of sign?”


“For what?”

“Halloween, duh… I’m making a sign for Halloween.  These are Trick or Treat rules.”

“That’s stupid.”

“You’re stupid.  Rules are good.”

“What’s the first rule?”

Take only one candy:  Why do they need to take the candy? I thought you’re handing out the candy.”

“Because sometimes just when I’m putting the candy into a bag of one kid, another kid will reach into the bowl and grab handfuls of candy.”

“Ok, go on. What’s rule two?”

Stay off the grass: What are going to do to them if they get on the grass?”

“Spray them.”

“Oh, with a water gun or silly spray?”

“Noooo, the water hose!”

“That’s bad.  Their candy and costume will get all wet and ruined.”

“Nope that’s good. If they don’t want to get wet they shouldn’t  step on the grass.”

“Fine, what’s rule number three?”

No public bathroom:”

“Do you really think they are going to use your bathroom?”

“Little people, little bladders, I’m not taking chances.”

“Fine. What’s rule number four?”

If you can’t read this sign, GO HOME!

“That’s really bad.”

“Nope, it’s good.  If they cannot read it means one of two things: 1. they are too young to trick-or-treat, or 2. they are too stupid.  Either way the kid deserves a trick not a treat.”

“That’s a bad rule. You can’t put an age or educational limits on fun.”

“Well, I did.”

“What’s the  next rule?”

No scary mask:  Really why this one?”

“They scare me.”

“Geez, that’s what Halloween’s about!  You’re supposed to get dressed up and scare the begebers out of people.  Spooky and scary masks kind of go with the theme of haunted houses, haunted trails, horror movies and stuff like that.”

“I don’t like it. Rule stays.”

“Whatever. What’s the next rule?”

No infants

“You’re heartless. What’s the last rule?”

Must have proof of age and be younger than twelve:

“Seriously, why must they be younger than twelve?”

“The zoo is doing the same.”

“Well you’re not a zoo.”

“True, but the newspaper says you must be younger than twelve.”

“Still, why do you have to ruin it for the infants, nonreaders and the older kids?”

“Because the parents eat the infant’s and nonreaders candy and the teenagers eat too much candy.”

“Like I said before; these rules are bad and you’re being heartless…  With all these rules no one is going to want to come here and trick-or-treat!  You’re mom has bought all this candy for nothing.”

“Nope, I can eat it.”

“But you’re on a diet!”

“Come ooonn!  I can break a few rules.  It’s Halloween!”

Cookie dough

“Whatcha doing?”

“I’m making cookies.”

“No, whatcha eating?”

“Cookie dough”

“That’s not good.”

“Yes, it’s real good. I made it.”

“No, I mean eating raw eggs is not good.”

“So, who said I’m eating raw eggs?”

“Well, does your recipe call for eggs?”

“No, that’s stupid. My recipe doesn’t talk.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Stop talking and hand me the spoon over there.”


“Because I need it”

“But all the cookies are now in the oven now.”

“So, I want the spoon to eat the dough.”


“Yes, give me the darn spoon!”

“No, I’m not going to let you eat more raw eggs.”

“I told you. I’m not eating raw eggs. I’m eating cookie dough!”

Daddy is locked out

“Vern, are you at work?”

“Yes daddy.  I answered the phone here. What do you need?”

“Nothing sweetheart.  Listen, I think I’ll ride the bus and come visit you.”

“That’s not a good idea. The bus schedule can be confusing.  I’m busy here.  Just stay home.  We can go somewhere after work.  Oh, maybe we can go eat at the diner tonight.”

“No, no I’m coming. Don’t leave.”

“No, no you’re not.”

“I have to.”

“Why do you have to ride the bus down here when you are perfectly safe at home?”

“Because I’m not”

“Oh my gosh! Was there a fire, a break in? Did the carbon monoxide alarm go off?  Did the roof collapse?”

“Vern, Vern!  No it was none of that”

“Then why are you not home?”

“I went outside to rake leaves in the back.  I locked the front door like you always say.  Then while I was out raking the wind blew through the kitchen window shutting the back door.  Now the back door was locked too.  So, I went back to the shed to get the spare key, but the wind had slammed it closed too.  That’s when I call Sally our neighbor.  She could not hear me on my cell phone so she came outside to talk to me.  There she was walking over to our yard when her goat snuck into her house and somehow shut the door.”


“I know. I know.  Here Sally and I stood trying to figure this out.  She’s only wearing her nightgown.  I then thought I would just take a taxi there, but I forgot I had left my wallet in your car. Sally offered to take me in her car, but the spare key was missing.  She called her husband.  He had it.  The car was blocking his truck this morning.  After he moved it, he was running late to work so he kept.”

“Did you try to call one of the other neighbors?”

“Well, no not really.  Let’s say Mrs. Winters does not think the best of me or Sally.”


“Well the small window in the kitchen was still open.  I thought I would lift Sally into the window, so she could unlock the door, because we have a spare key to her house. So there I was lifting Sally on the back porch into the kitchen window when the wind gust came up and blew her nightgown over her head.  Mrs. Winters was watching by now.  Here I am holding on to Sally’s naked legs with her bare bum showing in the most awkward position.”

“Oh my gosh! Did she call the police?”

“No, no, that would have probably been the best thing to happen to me.”


“Because when I lifted Sally up apparently she had stepped into goat poo”

“Goat poo?”

“Crap!  Goat crap!  Now, Sally is crying on her porch locked out of her house with a goat inside embarrassed because she was seen naked.  She’s worried that Mrs. Winters is going to tell her husband and I’m standing here with goat poop on my shirt and pants, without money locked out of this house.”

“Daddy if you want me to come home just ask me to.”

“Vern, can you please come help me?”

“Yes daddy. I’m on my way.”


“Whatcha doing?”

“Making a sign”

“What’s the sign for?”



“Because I want friends”

“I thought I was your friend”

“kind of”

“What kind of friends do you want?”

“I want friends like the blonde girl down the street”

“She has friends?”

“Yep, lots.  With my sign I will have lots of friends too.”

“You can’t just make signs for friends”

“Watch me”

The sign read, ‘For a good time come in..girl, girl, girl’

“That sign is bad”

“Nope, it’s good.  See I put glitter on it.”

“No, I mean that’s not right.”

“Yes, It’s right. I know how to spell girl.”

“You can’t put that sign up in town.”

“I’m not. I going to hang it in my window.”


“Yes. That blonde girl has a huge sign in front of her store.  In lights it reads ‘for a good time come in…girlz, girlz, girlz.’’ Her sign is wrong.  She misspelled girls.”

“Do you know what kind of girl she is?”

“A cool girl, every night she gets all dressed up in heels with short dresses and hangs out with lots of girls”

“She’s a dancer.”

“I can dance.”

“Not that kind of dancer, she’s a stripper.  Those girls she hangs out with are strippers too.”

“Oooh, so the sign is not to make friends?”


She folded up the sign.  Then she looked at Max.  “I guess you can be my friend after all.”