Vern is busy

Vern sat at the kitchen table working on the computer and papers scattered about. Her father was busy watching football in the living room. Vern’s father was beginning to become concerned, because Vern was not her normal compulsive self.  Today she was completely focused on her project.  Most weekends she spent all of her time in the house cleaning, organizing and most of all attending to her father, but not today.

“Vern, can you get me a soda?”

“No Daddy, I’m busy.”

“Ok, I’ll get it.” He sighed, but instead of getting up right away, he waited until the next commercial break. Then he crept into the kitchen to spy on Vern. She was busy looking at something on the internet and drawing a series of lines on paper with colored pencils. He didn’t want to interrupt her, so he went to the refrigerator to grab a 20-ounce bottle of soda.  Then he went back to the sofa to watch the game.

“Vern, I forgot to get a snack. Can you bring me some chips?”

“No Daddy, I’m still busy.”

“Busy doing what?”

“Just busy”

“Fine Vern, I’ll get it.” Vern’s father did not get up to get the chips; instead, he called and ordered a pizza with hot wings. Since the pizzeria was only three miles away the delivery man arrived within fifteen minutes. The doorbell rang.

“Vern, can you get the door.”

“Who is it?”

“The pizza man”

“No, I’m busy.”

“Fine, I’ll get it.” Vern’s father opened the door and signed for the pizza. He went and sat back down at his chair in the living room.

“Vern, I need my table. Can you get it?”

“No, no, no, no Daddy!  I’m busy.”

“What can you be so busy doing while I’m here suffering?”

“I’m mapping.”

“A trip?”

“No”

“Then what can you be busy mapping while I’m not being cared for?”

“Daddy, I’m mapping my veins.”

“Your what?”

“My varicose veins, I’m sick and tired of having these blue and purple lines going down my legs. It is time I plan a course of action.”

“I like your veins. They look cool, especially the one on the back of your knee. It looks like a tattoo of a spider. When you walk, it moves as if it is real. You should stop what you are doing. Come sit with me and watch the game.”

“No way, I’m going to be real busy now.”

“Why?”

“Because, I forgot to map the veins on the backs of my legs. I didn’t even know I had any there.”

“Mapping your veins is not going to help you. You’d benefit more watching the game with me. You can feel good,   making sure I’m comfortable.  Then I won’t have to get up to get everything.”

“No, today you’ ll have to take care of yourself. I have to map my vein,s because the doctor said he would laser treat as many veins he could in thirty minutes. I am creating a map, so the doctor can spend less time talking to me and just follow the map.”

“Good thinking Vern, but can you help me out a little. I’m struggling here.”

“Fine Daddy, I’ll get your table, but then I’m back to mapping.”

“You know what Vern?”

“What?”

“Every time you come in here to bring me soda or stuff I can help you out by pointing out your veins.”

“How thoughtful, you’d do that for me?” Vern asked sarcastically.

“I know. I just want you to know I support you.”

“Yes, you support me like another painful pair of compression hose.”

dec2010 029

The Versatile Blogger Award

 

Versatile Blogger

Scriptor Obscura from Scriptor Obscura Writes  recently nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award!

Warm hugs and many thanks to Scriptor Obscura!  It is pure joy to wakeup and find that I had been nominated for the Versatile Blogger award.  Receiving this award fills up my cup of self-esteem that makes me want to create.  It is great to know there are readers online enjoying  my stories.  It is awesome to be rewarded for it, so thank you very much Scriptor for this award.  I am so lucky to have such generous, kind and inspirational people joining me through my quest to create fun tales, clips and short stories.  Thank you! 

For this award, the rules are:

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Pass this award along to however many or few blogs you would like. This way the award is more meaningful, rather than just becoming an endless bloggy chain letter that eventually every single blog in the whole world will have, and some will regard as simply nothing more than spam.

4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

Things about me:

1. I grew up in a small town.

2. I hate public bathrooms.

3. I love the world we live in. If I ever had an option to move to another planet (like the new super Earth) I would have to pass.

4. It makes me sad when children cry in public and the mother ignores them. 😦

5. I had a salad last night that looked like weeds I pulled from the garden and survived. (I think I liked it or maybe I was just hungry.)

6. I feel sorry for under-educated people.  It is so sad when they do not know how much change to give you because they put the wrong number in the register.

7. I don’t like numbers.  Words are my friends. 🙂

I would like to nominate the following bloggers the Versatile Blogger Award:

1. Have A Dream at http://wp.me/ruK1

2. Rosierrushtonstone at  rosierushtonstone.wordpress.com

3. warm hot chocolate at  http://warmhotchocolate.com

4. A Landscape at Random at http://likeafrog.wordpress.com

5. The Emerald Garden at  http://theemeraldgarden.wordpress.com

Kreativ Blogger Award

The Kreativ Blogger Award

Scriptor Obscura of Scriptor Obscura Writes recently nominated me for the Kreativ Blogger Award!

Thank you , thank you, thank you Scriptor Obscura!  I am so honored to receive this award. My motivation had recently been suffering thanks to a cold, stress and all the other bad stuff in life.  This award was a gift to remind me that writing is awesome, fun and rewarding.  I am extremely grateful.  Thanks for supporting me, my talents, my writing and letting me entertain you. It was an awesome gift to receive this award. You are a great supportive reader  that I would like to call a friend.  Your friendship is awesome!

Thank you!

For this award, I have to share 10 things that you may not know. Then I have to pass the award on to at least six (or more) other bloggers.

Okay, so here goes the first part:

1. I studied Spanish for two years in college and can’t speak a lick of it.

2. I love to go to the malls, shopping on-line, looking at magazines and all that stuff, but I’m truly broke. LOL

3. I love to eat everything sweet!  I never met a bad cookie in my life! I love cookies!

4. I recently ripped my pants.  Thankfully I was at home. (Maybe I wasn’t…)

5. I always wanted to visit Paris and speak French.

6. I hate mean people.  They suck!

7. I once lived near the Canada border (long long time ago),  and could only watch BBC (British Broadcast).  I fell in love with Mr. Bean and many more British comedies. (Where’s the Doctor?)

8. I hate dressing rooms at department stores. Who doesn’t?

9. I don’t like dirty things, people, cars, houses and bathrooms.   They drive me batty!!!

10. My longest running best friend was coffee, but recently we had a fight.  I’m barely drinking any.  Coffee you suck!

I would like to nominate the following blogs:

1. www.taureanw.wordpress.com

2. www.catlas.wordpress.com

3. www.thomasgoestojapan.wordpress.com

4. www.sfkfsfcfef.wordpress

5.  Have A Dream at http://wp.me/ruK1

6. www.zendictive.wordpress.com

7. www.rosierushtonstone.wordpress.com

Fay makes a puffy coat

Fay was sitting in the middle of the living room.  She was surrounded by pillows, trash bags, tape and scissors.  Max walked into the room.  He questionably looked at her.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Nothing”

“What’s up with all this stuff?”

Fay looked at the bags, pillows, polyester fiberfill, tape and scissors. “I’m making something.”

“Can I help?”

“I guess, but you can’t tell anyone about this. Ok?”

“Yeah sure,  whatcha making?”

“My dad’s Christmas present.”

“With this stuff?”

“Yep”

“This is bad.”

“No, it’s good.  It’s going to be a puffy coat.”  Fay started cutting open the pillows. “Pull the fluffy stuff out and hand it to me, so I can tape it inside.”

“Inside what?”

“The trash bags, duh…”

“Puffy coats are not made from trash bags and pillows.  This isn’t going to work.  This is bad.”

“I thought you were helping?  Just do what I say.”  Fay was busy cutting the trash bags and taping them together with tape. “Max, start handing me the puffy stuff.  I’m in a hurry here.”

Max started pulling out the filling and handing it to Fay. “Aren’t we going to get in trouble for this?”

“No! It’s a Christmas gift.”

“I mean for ruining all these pillows.”

“Of course I won’t.  They’re from your house.”

“Fay! Watcha go and do that for?”

“My mother would get mad.  Max, stop talking. Keep passing the white stuff.”  Fay finished tucking the last bit of polyester fiberfill into the coat’s sleeve.  “Come on Max.”

“Where?”

“Outside, I need to make sure it works.  Put it on.”

“It’s itchy.  Ouch!  I think I’ve gotten tape in my hair.”

“Stop complaining! Stand right here.”  Fay said while she pointed to the porch.  Then she threw a pitcher of ice water at Max.  Max ducked and turned his back, but the water still got on his hair and face.

“Fay! Watcha go and do that for?!”

Fay realized Max was upset.  “I’m sorry.  Here let me help you take this off.” Fay sat the wet trash bag coat on the porch and led Max inside.  Then she handed him a towel. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t think I was going to get you in the face. Did anything else get wet?”

“I don’t think so.”

“See, I told you the coat was good.  It kept you from getting wet. My dad is going to love it.” 

“Sure, if you dad likes the scratchy feeling of tape and plastic bags across his skin pulling on his body hairs.”

“Don’t be so negative all the time.” 

The two friends sat in the kitchen while Max dried off.  Then there was a loud noise. Fay went back on the front porch.  She looked around, but the coat was missing.  She screamed.

Max came to the porch. “Watcha screaming for?”

“The trash man took the coat I made for my dad.  All that work was for nothing.”

“That’s ok.”

“How can you say that?”

“Because, it’s the thought that counts”

“How can you say that, Max?”

“You told me to stop being negative.  Imagine if your dad had been wearing it when the trash people came.  They might have taken him with the coat.”

Daddy is nominated as a runner up Santa

Vern got home from a long day at work. Her father was standing in the living room. He was busy doing squats and bending exercises as he played his video game.

“You’re exercising?”

“Sure am”

“That’s nice to see you working out and heeding the advice of your doctors.”

“I have too”

“That’s the spirit, daddy.” Vern went upstairs to change into sweatpants and t-shirt. After changing, she went into the bathroom to wash the makeup off her face. She noticed darks spots on the floor, the bath rug and towel. She gathered up the items to wash them. She went back downstairs to the laundry room. “Daddy, what happened in the bathroom? Did you cut yourself shaving?”

“No” He said panting while trying to do abdominal crunches.

Vern decided that it was not worth fussing over. She began to cook pasta with chicken. The entire time she cooked her father did not stop exercising. He was breathing heavily. Vern caught a glimpse of him running in place.  “Daddy, should you really be working out like this?”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“Ok, dinner is going to be ready in just a few minutes.” Vern fixed the plates of dinner. She put her father’s plate on his TV table in the living room. Then she made a place for herself at the end of the dining table.

“What is this?”

“It’s pasta with baked chicken.”

“I can’t have all these carbs.”

“Daddy you eat carbs all day. Tonight you’re going to complain about eating pasta?”

Vern’s father sat down in his reclining chair. He wiped his face off with the napkin. Then he took off his hat.

“Daddy, what happened to your hair?”

“I colored it.”

“I can see that.”

“Does it look good?”

“No, no you look Goth. Why did you dye your salt and pepper curls black?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Daddy, are exercising and coloring your hair for a girl?”

“Noooo, my looks are hot already for that. It’s something else.”

“What is it? Are you missing mom?”

“No Vern. I mean yes, I do still miss your mom, but this is all about Christmas.  I was nominated as runner-up for Santa Clause at the VFW.”

Vern chuckled. “Daddy, that’s a good thing. Think of all the children you will make happy.”

“No, think of me! I don’t want to be Santa Clause. I’m a war veteran. I can’t do it.”

“So, you thought exercising and dyeing your hair black would take you off the nomination.”

“Yeah, Pete is always Santa. It’s his thing, but if something was to happen to him, I would have to do it.”

“What should we do?”

“I still have a week to lose more weight, shave my head, get violently ill, or leave town.”

“I think you are going too far.”

“But I don’t want to be Santa!”

“Why? The children at the hospital love it when the VFW comes.”

“Yes, I like doing that. It’s just that I’ve always been a helper.  I want to be a helper, not Santa.”

“Daddy you are a warrior. You’re going to have to put that red uniform on, lace up them black boots and spread cheer. Santa is a warrior. Every day of the year, Santa is preparing for his battlefield to bring gifts to the children. Being Santa is an honor.”

“I guess you’re right. I’ve never thought of it that way.” Vern and her father finished eating dinner.  Vern put up the plates then she brought her father a scoop of frozen yogurt.

“Vern, I can’t eat this.”

“It’s good and good for you.”

“No, if I’m going to be a runner up for Santa, I need to eat like Santa. Bring me some cookies with milk!”

Fay Trims the Christmas Tree

“Whatcha doing?”

“Trimming”

“Whatcha trimming?”

“The Christmas tree”

“Can I help?”

“Sure”

Max looked around the tree where Fay stood.  There were no boxes of ornaments or decorations of any kind. “Fay, where are all the ornaments?”

“I threw them away.”

“Why?”

“Because, none of them matched.  They were all different colors, designs and shapes.  I don’t want that stuff on my tree.”

“I thought you were trimming the tree?”

“I am.”

“With what?”

Fay stepped out from the back of the tree.  She held up something small and silver. “I’m trimming the tree with my nail trimmers. Duuuhhh!”

“That’s bad”

“Nooo, it’s good.  Look at how nice the branches over here look.”

“No Fay, Christmas trees are not supposed to be perfectly trimmed.”

“Then why do people trim the tree?”

“Trimming the tree is when you put the decorations on the tree.  The decorations can be handmade, bought or natural like berries and popcorn.”

“So, I guess throwing all the ornaments away was probably a bad thing.”

“Yeah, you could say that.”

Oh Alcoholics and Drug Addicts, Christmas Time is not for Using

Oh Alcoholics and Drug Addicts, Christmas time is not for using

Christmas time is for celebrating the birth of Christ with family and friends

Oh Alcoholics and Drug Addicts, Christmas time is not for using

The green on the Christmas tree, should not make you want to smoke weed

Oh Alcoholics and Drug Addicts, Christmas time is not for using

The blinking lights on the Christmas tree, should not remind you of using LSD

The tinsel hanging off the tree, should not remind you of the cooper you need

Oh Alcoholics and Drug Addicts, Christmas time is not for using

The Eggnog should be served without rum, no reason to drink like a bum

The fruitcake has pieces of fruit, not the pills you used to shoot

Oh Alcoholics and Drug Addicts, Christmas time is not for using

The hand-blown ornaments sparkle on the tree, do not use to smoke your ugly needs

The white flour is for making cookies, not to mix with snorting

Oh Alcoholics and Drug Addicts, Christmas time is not for using

The scissors you find are for cutting paper

The money in stockings is for good boys and girls

The lump of coal that you received, is for your dirty deeds

So be good human being, celebrate the holidays clean

Oh Alcoholics and Drug Addicts, Christmas time is not for using

Survival skills for Company Christmas Party or Military Ball

I am the first to admit I am less than perfect. The secret is out. (Shhhhh! Do not say anything to publishers about this or I’ll have to get wordy on your a##). I decided to write the survival skills list not because I am some super fit amazing television star, but because I just, wanted to. Here it goes. I will provide a setting. You have exercised like crazy for the past thirty days just so you could look smoking hot in that ball gown or tuxedo you bought.

Drumroll please! Morning of the party you are waking up early to fit in that last session of cardio.  Then you go to work or perform you regular day’s duties. Oh, this your special day that only happens once a year. Yes! You have a big night tonight. You get to show off your sizzling abs. You will dine on a fancy dinner. You will sip wine. You will dance on a small dance floor in the center of the room. Then later after the party, you might get lucky, but that is if everything goes as planned. You work in a hair appointment, have your nails done, squish into shapeware (the more it hurts the better), pull on pantyhose, make magic with makeup, puff the perfume, and glide into that gown or suit. Look at you! You are one solar hot babe! Yeah, you read me!

Now, smile gorgeous! You and your date, lover or spouse arrives at the party. This is where the list of survival rules comes into play. Do not be shy. Write them down, print it, read it and last MEMORIZE it!

  1. Do not go on an empty stomach
  2. Do not eat beans, broccoli, garlic or anything that makes you sit on the potty for more than one minute the day of the party or day before. This is a party not a party in your pants!
  3. Eat before you put on all the shapewear and pantyhose.  This is a party not a buffet!
  4. If your dress or suit is tighter than your shapewear then you need to rewind and find a new outfit. This is a party, not showgirls or showboys! (That’s for later when you get home)
  5. Brush your teeth. No one wants to meet a dirty mouth, yuck!
  6. Smile as if you are in kindergarten school picture and do not stop, never! (Nice that you brushed your teeth 🙂 )
  7. Follow your date to your assigned seating. If you are single, do not change the seating arrangements so you are next to the married man who is having an affair with you. Rude!
  8. Do not drink before the party. Save your money. There will be free wine at the table. Alcohol is for SIPPING! You are not a pirate on a ship! A glass or two should do any more than that calls for major consequences (maybe good or maybe bad).
  9. If you are married, sit with your spouse the entire time. If you do not like your spouse, it is likely others do not like them either, so stop sharing!
  10. After the formal part of the party, it is time for dancing. This is not Footloose, Dirty Dancing, Dance Flick or Dance Off so do not act as if you were a reject from the auditions. Get your groove on with a little shake and little shuffle.
  11. After the party, when you are in the hotel or house do not go straight to the bathroom with a newspaper or cellphone (Remember rule #2), give your other half a hug and kiss on the lips. Tell them how proud you are of them. Tell them you love them. Let things happen. Do not rush to jam your long tongue down the other’s throat! This is a night for memories not miseries!

Fay’s Stars

Fay sat at the kitchen table. She was staring down at a sheet of white paper. Max walked into the room.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Reading”

Max looked over Fay shoulder to see the paper. Confused he responded, “No you’re not”

“Yes, I am”

“Let me read.”

“But there aren’t any words on your paper.”

“So”

“Don’t you think you at least need words to read?”

“Nooo! Leave me alone so I can read.”

“I’m not leaving tell you tell me what you are really doing. I think you’re planning something.”

“Ok smarty pants, you could say that.”

“Well then tell me what you’re planning.”

“I can’t”

“Why?”

“Because I’m reading”

“Stop treating me like I’m the stupid one.  You’re the one sitting here staring at a bunch of squiggles in crayon on paper.”

“Max! I’m planning my future, so let me read.”

“But there are no words to read!”

“I know that!  I’m reading my stars!”

“That’s stupid! You can’t read stars.”

“I am. Haven’t you heard of an astrologer?”

“Fay an astrologer doesn’t read those kinds of stars. They read planetary stars.”

“Sooo, I can draw plants too.”

Fay’s smartphone

“Whatcha doing?”

“Nothing”

“Why don’t ya answer your phone?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Answering the phone is not stupid. What if someone important is trying to call you?”

“Nooo, my phone’s stupid!”

“What do mean? Your phone can’t be stupid.”

“Yes, it is…You know they have smartphones, but I got a stupid one.”

“Phones are not stupid; the people using the phones are the stupid ones.”

“I’m not stupid! My phone is stupid!”

“Ok, ok, if you say so. What are you going to do?”

“I thought I’d teach it.”

“What?”

“Yeah, they teach stupid people stuff all the time.”

“You can’t teach a phone.”

“Why?”

“Because, phones can only perform the applications and software compatible to its processor and hardware.”

“Ooohhh, I get it, so I don’t have to teach it, but just get new hardware. Right?”

“Yeah, you just need an updated phone.”

Fay started walking towards the garage.  “Max, are you coming?”

“Where?”

“To the garage to get some hardware; hammer, drill and stuff. I’m going to use all this hardware on my cell phone to make it a smartphone.”

“Nooo, that’s not what I meant.”

“Ooohhh, I forgot you said something about a food processor too. Right?”

Max took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Fay, “Here, you can just have my smartphone.  I was planning on getting a new one anyways.”

“Thanks Max! I was beginning to wonder how I was going to add all these electronics to mom’s food processor. I was starting to think maybe you were a little stupid, but that’s ok. You’ll always be my best friend.”

“Thanks Fay”