I am the first to admit I am less than perfect. The secret is out. (Shhhhh! Do not say anything to publishers about this or I’ll have to get wordy on your a##). I decided to write the survival skills list not because I am some super fit amazing television star, but because I just, wanted to. Here it goes. I will provide a setting. You have exercised like crazy for the past thirty days just so you could look smoking hot in that ball gown or tuxedo you bought.
Drumroll please! Morning of the party you are waking up early to fit in that last session of cardio. Then you go to work or perform you regular day’s duties. Oh, this your special day that only happens once a year. Yes! You have a big night tonight. You get to show off your sizzling abs. You will dine on a fancy dinner. You will sip wine. You will dance on a small dance floor in the center of the room. Then later after the party, you might get lucky, but that is if everything goes as planned. You work in a hair appointment, have your nails done, squish into shapeware (the more it hurts the better), pull on pantyhose, make magic with makeup, puff the perfume, and glide into that gown or suit. Look at you! You are one solar hot babe! Yeah, you read me!
Now, smile gorgeous! You and your date, lover or spouse arrives at the party. This is where the list of survival rules comes into play. Do not be shy. Write them down, print it, read it and last MEMORIZE it!
- Do not go on an empty stomach
- Do not eat beans, broccoli, garlic or anything that makes you sit on the potty for more than one minute the day of the party or day before. This is a party not a party in your pants!
- Eat before you put on all the shapewear and pantyhose. This is a party not a buffet!
- If your dress or suit is tighter than your shapewear then you need to rewind and find a new outfit. This is a party, not showgirls or showboys! (That’s for later when you get home)
- Brush your teeth. No one wants to meet a dirty mouth, yuck!
- Smile as if you are in kindergarten school picture and do not stop, never! (Nice that you brushed your teeth 🙂 )
- Follow your date to your assigned seating. If you are single, do not change the seating arrangements so you are next to the married man who is having an affair with you. Rude!
- Do not drink before the party. Save your money. There will be free wine at the table. Alcohol is for SIPPING! You are not a pirate on a ship! A glass or two should do any more than that calls for major consequences (maybe good or maybe bad).
- If you are married, sit with your spouse the entire time. If you do not like your spouse, it is likely others do not like them either, so stop sharing!
- After the formal part of the party, it is time for dancing. This is not Footloose, Dirty Dancing, Dance Flick or Dance Off so do not act as if you were a reject from the auditions. Get your groove on with a little shake and little shuffle.
- After the party, when you are in the hotel or house do not go straight to the bathroom with a newspaper or cellphone (Remember rule #2), give your other half a hug and kiss on the lips. Tell them how proud you are of them. Tell them you love them. Let things happen. Do not rush to jam your long tongue down the other’s throat! This is a night for memories not miseries!