I was a jerk, and I’m sorry…

The other day, I wrote about accountability. Since then, I have had a huge amount of pressure from within about my own failures. That feeling of inability to achieve or accomplish goals made me feel a bit depressed.

Then topple that feeling with mother nature visiting my lady parts and well, I kind of been a bitch. In my own defense I would never want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I fear that maybe I have.

You see, life is one very big math problem. It’s complicated with lots of variables, some you can define and others are unknown. The key to keeping life simple is be able to control the way you react to a problem.

Today, I gloated. The one thing everyone hates in this world is a narcissist. I know this. I remind my kid not to gloat. I remind my husband not to gloat. Yet, there I was sitting on my fat a$$ gloating. When in reality, I have nothing to gloat about.

Now, I regret it. I really did not act in my usual way, so I could just blame it on my period (remember Mother Nature is visiting).

That was not the only low point of my life this week. I painted the trim around my door Ronald McDonald yellow. Welcome to the Golden Arches. What was I thinking? Seriously, it was a huge mistake.

In honesty, my whole week was destined for a bit of complexity, because I was upset about Mother’s Day. This was the first year that my son did not spend Mother’s Day with me. I was ok, or at least I thought I was.

This year’s Mother’s Day,  was just a typical Sunday. I felt an emptiness. I felt a sadness. I moved through the day like a grocery list of chores. I fell asleep without a hug, kiss or call from my boy. I reminded myself that millions of mother’s like me were not spending this day celebrating. Some women would never get the opportunity to be a mother. I was lucky. I had many Mother’s Days in the past.

However, deep inside me, I was angry. I was mad at the world that my life had taken a nose dive off the cliff. I would no longer spend Mother’s Day celebrating the moment with my son; instead, he is growing up and wanting to live his own life.

I let my anger get the best of me. I let that sadness turn to bitterness. In the end, the only one I really hurt was me, by being a jerk. I am sorry for my behavior for being rude this week.  I will apologize to the those who I acted like a jerk around. I think everything will smooth over and be fine. I just wish had been more accountable for my feelings.

Love

JCV

 

 

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