They always say if you want to see yourself in the eyes of others take a video. Well, this morning I took my first interview video for a new job. The job entails teaching people how to paint or create art. I was ecstatic when I got the request for the video.

I hung all my paintings in my spare bedroom and lined the extra paintings along the bottom of the wall. The display was beautiful. The colors were bright. The images are crisp. Most of the paintings are children’s illustrations with a dog, or child or both. The art I saw was above the level of creativity that I felt I could ever do.

Then in my black slim leggings, yellow t-shirt, tennis shoes and my painting sweater I stood in front and center of my art holding two of my children’s books. My son standing with my cellphone gave me the signal to speak. The first video was full of “ums…” The second was full of “likes…” Then the third video, I calmed down and spoke honestly about my craft. I told about my books. I went over my watercolor paintings and then I explained the slow progression of my oil paintings. The video was complete, simple and well thought.

The problem? I was boring. I was a simple woman in a simple sweater coat. My hair was simple. My makeup was simple. I was simply simple. I remember back in the days when I was anything but simple. I was full of cheer, loud, colorful, energetic, expressive and nothing like the woman explaining the wonderful and colorful art on display. Now, I see my heart and soul displayed on the walls, I wonder if somewhere I lost my soul inside me. Is my spirit broken or is this a phase? I think back to the days of where anything would go and how fresh, fun and energetic I felt. I want that feeling again. I want to be a reflection of the art hanging on the walls. I want to be colorful, crazy and fun. I enjoy the comfort of normalcy but I am I don’t want the dull, boring, nervous, and quiet soul from that video. I want to be more. I want to be me.