Daddy recycles the newspaper

“Vern, where’s the paper?”

“It’s under the cabinet.”

“Not that paper”

“Oh, I have writing paper in the desk.”

“Damn it Vern.  I want the newspaper.  Where’s my newspaper?”

“I had it.  I put it with the milk and juice at the register.  It should be in the bag.”

“It isn’t.  Go look in the car.”

“No, I’m getting ready for work.  You go.”

“I can’t. It’s cold outside.”

“Either go outside and look for the paper or stop complaining.   Daddy, I’ve  got to be at work in an hour.  That means I only have thirty minutes to finish getting ready.”

“Ok, ok, I got it.  I’m going.”  Vern’s father put on his boots without socks.  Then he slipped on his robe.   With car keys in his hand he went to the car.  He looked in the front and back seat of the car.  He couldn’t find the paper.  Frustrated he slammed the door.  He turned around to go back inside the house when he noticed the neighbor’s paper.  He nonchalantly walked over, squatted down and slid the paper up the sleeve of his robe.  Then he went back into the house.  Vern was standing at the doorway.

“Put it back.”


“Put the newspaper back old man!”

“I’m not old. I’m a veteran.  Plus, I need this paper Vern.  Come on! You’ve forgot mine, again.”

“No,  give it to me.  I’ll put it back.”  He reluctantly handed her the paper that was stuck in his sleeve. Vern took a step out the door and threw it in the direction of the neighbor’s yard.  “See, that wasn’t so painful.”

“Vern, how am I supposed to read the news now?”

“You can read it on-line.  Like I’ve said before just use the computer.”

“I want to be able to hold something and touch it while I read. I don’t want to sit in front of a computer.”

“Then you need to get an ipad.”

“I don’t need pads for my eyes.  My eyes are good.”

“No, that’s not what I mean.”

“How about you watch the news on the television?”

“I can’t watch sports and the news at the same time.  I need to read the paper while I’m watching the sports.”

“Daddy,  if you are so eager to read the newspaper; why don’t you just order a subscription?”

“It’s expensive.  I’m not wasting my money.”

“Yet, you don’t mind me shelling out my cash for it every day?”


“I’ve got to finish getting ready for work.  You need to figure something out.”  She went back upstairs.

Her father stood at the window.  He looked around the neighborhood.  He noticed a few random things.  First, the squirrels were attempting to get seeds out the bird feeder.  Then he noticed the neighbor next door walking out to get her paper.  He continued to sit there at the window looking for some way to get his hands on a newspaper.  That’s when he noticed the man across the street leaving the front door for work.   Just before the man got into his car, he put the newspaper in his hand in the recycle bin.  Vern’s father waited till the man drove out of the housing addition.  Daddy speed walked across the street.  He pulled out the paper from the recycle bin. It was only the front section but it was today’s date.  He chuckled a bit. Then made his way back to the house.  He sat down at the table with his coffee in front of the television’s sports channel.  He opened the paper. Bird seed and droppings fell all over the place. “Vern!  Vern!”

Vern came back down.  She snickered. “Looks like you found yourself a newspaper.  I guess you forgot the man is an ornithologist.”

“Vern look at me.  I’m a mess.  I tried to do something good, but it backfired.”

“Daddy, you tried to steal the neighbors paper.  Then you took the other neighbor’s paper from the recycle bin.  I watched you sneak over there from my window.”

“I didn’t know the man was a ornitho…”


“Yes, that thing.  Who would do this to a perfectly good paper.  It’s full of crap!  I was trying to recycle.”

“Daddy, that’s not recycling.  That is Karma.”  She said laughing.

“Not funny, Vern! Not funny at all!”

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